Love Potions And Eggnog Cookies Don't Mix
by Topaz
Summary: Um... heh heh... sort of D/H emphasis on the words 'sort of'... oh, just read it! Really strange. Kinda scary.


PEEVES'S REVENGE: A TALE OF LOVE POTIONS AND EGGNOG COOKIES  
by Topaz  
  
One day Harry decided to make cookies, so he went down to the kitchen and started mixing ingrediants.   
  
"You put an extra gram of sugar," Hermione said severely over the top of the textbook.  
  
Ron muttered something rude.  
  
Harry ignored them and added eggnog to the patter.  
  
"Ew! Grossness," Ron said. "Eggnog cookies? You're nuts, Harry."  
  
"I like eggnog," Harry replied, dumping some cinnamin into the batter. Next he added a dash of cloves and nutmeg, some flour, and a bit more sugar just to annoy Hermione.  
  
"Stop adding sugar," Hermione snapped. "It'll rot your teeth and make the cookies too sweet!"  
  
"You can never have too much sugar," Ron retorted. Harry reached for the vanilla extract, ignoring both of them.  
  
None of them noticed Peeves flit into the kitchen, carrying a bubbling cauldron. They didn't notice him dump some of the liquid into the cookie batter and then zoom away, cackling quietly to himself.  
  
Professor McGonagall stuck her head in the doorway. "What on earth are you doing, Potter?"  
  
"Making cookies," Harry replied.   
  
Ron stuck his finger in the batter, swallowed it, and looked at McGonagall, who was still glaring at them. Suddenly his innocent look changed to a soppy grin.   
  
"Ron?" Hermione asked, looking puzzled.  
  
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Ron said in a very sappy voice, still staring at McGonagall. "Thou art more fair and temperate..."  
  
"I do not find that amusing, Weasley." Professor McGonagall slammed the door and Harry head her footsteps walking away.  
  
"Don't leave, Minerva," Ron cried, but the door was closed.  
  
"Minerva?" Hermione giggled. "What on earth is wrong with you, Ron?"  
  
Ron shook his head, looking dazed. "Say what?"  
  
"Ron?" Harry said, confused. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing," Ron said. "I'm fine."  
  
Hermione burst into hysterically laughter. "Thou are more fair and temperate... ha! Ron, have you lost your mind?"  
  
"Huh?" Ron stared at her, bewildered.  
  
"You just quoted on of Shakespeare's sonnet to Professor McGonagall," Hermione explained.  
  
"I did?" Ron yelped.  
  
Hermione looked at Harry, her face concerned. "Maybe we should take you to Madame Pomfrey, Ron..."  
  
Just then the door burst open, and Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle stood in the doorway.   
  
"Hi," Hermione managed to say between giggles.  
  
"What's that?" Malfoy said, ignoring her. "Cookies? Potter, you are sad."  
  
"Don't touch that batter," Ron snapped, stepping in front of the bowl. "Or I'll..."  
  
"You'll what?" Malfoy sneered. He nodded to Crabbe and Goyle, who seized Ron by the arms and dragged him away, then sauntered over to the bowl and scooped some batter up with his finger, which he ate.  
  
Hermione snatched the bowl away, glaring at him. "That has raw eggs in it, moron, you could get salmonella!"  
  
Malfoy turned to look at her. "Oh, shut up, Grang..." his voice trailed off.  
  
Hermione whirled around and slammed the bowl back down on the counter, still angry. "I hope you do get salmonella, eating other people's batter when you don't know what's in it..."  
  
"Anything you say, my darling," Malfoy breathed, staring rapturously at Hermione.   
  
Hermione stared back at him. "Get away from me, you perverted freak."  
  
"As you wish," Malfoy said dramatically, walking away with Crabbe and Goyle behind him.  
  
"I didn't know Malfoy's seen Princess Bride," Ron remarked, looking after him with an interested expression.   
  
"That," said Harry, "was extremely disturbing."  
  
Hermione frowned. "There must be something in that batter." She leaned over and sniffed it. "Doesn't smell strange. A bit oversweet... I told you not to put that much sugar in..."  
  
Professor Snape walked in. "Draco tells me you're baking cookies, Potter," he sneered.  
  
"They need to get lives," Hermione muttered to Ron, who nodded.  
  
"Yeah, I was making cookies," Harry replied, elbowing them both.  
  
"You're not allowed in the kitchens," Snape snapped. "Ten points from Gryffindor, and detention for all three of you."  
  
"We're sorry, Professor," Ron said, a guilty expression on his face. "Here, would you like some cookie batter?"  
  
Hermione glared at Ron. "Oh, we're sure you wouldn't want some of that batter, Professor," she said with a high, forced laugh. "It's all... yucky..."  
  
Snape dipped his spoon into the and tasted it. "Disgusting, of course. I would expect someone with your grades in Potions to be a bad cook." He turned to frown at Harry, but his frown changed to a smile.  
  
"Uh oh," Hermione muttered under her breath.  
  
"Ten thousand points for Gryffindor!" Snape announced. He hugged Harry, who screamed. "I'm sorry I ate your batter, Harry, I'll make you hundreds of cookies to make up for it!"  
  
"Er... that's okay, Professor," Harry murmured, edging away from Snape.  
  
"Call me Severus," Snape corrected, fluttering his eyelashes.  
  
Ron had a very loud, long, coughing fit, which ended abruptly when Hermione stepped on his foot. "Are you insane?" she hissed. "Look what you did!"  
  
Snape was chasing Harry around the kitchen, his lips puckered.  
  
"Look," Hermione said quickly. "Ron, you keep Snape in here, and I'll take Harry to Professor Dumbledore and see if we can fix this up. Okay?"  
  
"Okay," Ron said meekly.  
  
Hermione grabbed the bowl of batter and Harry and marched out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind her (on Snape's nose, too).   
  
Harry was trembling. "I think I'm scarred for life..." he whimpered.  
  
"Duh, on your forehead," Hermione replied, completely missing the point.  
  
Just then Mrs. Norris came around the bend.   
  
"Uh oh," Hermione said. "Trouble ahead."  
  
Harry shuddered. "He hugged me! That slimy, disgusting bloke hugged me, and he tried to KISS me. Ew!"  
  
"It's okay," Hermione said soothingly, patting Harry on the back. "Everything will be okay." She sighed, watching Mrs. Norris swamper off to find Filch. As if they didn't have enough trouble already without the psychotic janitor and his scrawny feline.  
  
"You! Potter!" Filch shouted, appearing suddenly with Mrs. Norris at his heels. "What are you doing out this late!"  
  
"We need to see Dumbledore," Hermione said desperately.  
  
"Detention, Granger, Potter! You're sneaking around the school after lights out!" Filch shouted.  
  
"It's not lights out yet," Hermione protested.  
  
"And talking back! Another detention!"  
  
"Just make a run for, I'll distract Filch," Hermione whispered to Harry. He nodded, and took off.   
  
Unfortunately, he tripped over Mrs. Norris and fell facefirst into the batter bowl.  
  
Yowling furiously, the cat scrambled out from underneath his feet and scratched Harry's cheek. Harry yelped and looked up-- and Hermione groaned.  
  
"Come back! My darling!" Harry cried, reaching for Mrs. Norris, who hissed and jumped away. "My precious, my love, my jewel..."  
  
Hermione seized Harry, the bowl, and napkin, and dragged him away, wiping the batter off his face since Harry was too busy calling after a disgusted Mrs. Norris to clean himself up.  
  
"Lemon drop," Hermione said to the stone gargoyle. "Uh, jelly beans, Cockroach Cluster, Acid Pops, Eggnog Cookies." The gargoyle ignored her. Hermione had a sudden idea. "Hey, you," she whispered to the gargoyle. "I'll give you a Pear Drop if you let us through..." she reached into one pocket and dangled the candy in front of the gargoyle, which immediately grabbed the sweet and jumped aside.  
  
"That was easy," Hermione said to Harry, who was still staring in Mrs. Norris's direction longingly.   
  
She stepped into Professor Dumbledore's office, shoved Harry into a chair, and plopped the mixing bowl down on a low table. Dumbledore wasn't there, so Hermione decided to wait.  
  
Finally Dumbledore entered his office, and jumped when he saw Harry and Hermione there. "Hello, Miss Granger, Mr. Potter."  
  
"Hello, Professor," Hermione replied. "Er... we have a slight problem."  
  
"I can see that," said Dumbledore with some amusement, watching Harry's blank stare. "What's the trouble?"  
  
"Harry was making cookies today, and so Ron ate some batter just as McGonagall came in and he fell in love with her, and then Malfoy ate some and fell in love with me, and then Snape ate some and fell in love with Harry, then Harry accidentally swallowed some and fell in love with Mrs. Norris," Hermione blurted out.   
  
"I see," Dumbledore said, looking less amused.  
  
"Can you fix it?" Hermione asked hopefully.  
  
Dumbledore sighed. "I'm afraid not. Love potions are irreversible, and that seems to be what's causing the trouble."  
  
"What?" Hermione yelped. "You mean..."  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "You're stuck with them like that."  
  
The door swung open. "Hermione, my love!" Malfoy cried, running inside. "How I have longed to see your sweet face..."  
  
"Eek!" Hermione screeched, diving under the coffee table. Outside she saw Professor McGonagall run by, followed by Ron, and Snape was asking someone if they had recently seen Harry Potter.  
  
A gray cat trotted by the open door, and Harry bolted out of his seat and ran after her, calling, "Don't leave me, Mrs. Norris!"  
  
Dumbledore pulled Malfoy away from Hermione and held his arms firmly. "It's safe to come out from under the table," he said.  
  
Hermione crawled out, glaring at Malfoy. "Are you sure there's no cure?"  
  
"There's no cure," Dumbledore replied, "but a simple Memory Charm might work."  
  
"Really?" Hermione fainted with relief, so she didn't know when Dumbledore released Malfoy to perform the charm and Malfoy began kissing her.  
  
The charm hit Malfoy as he was in the middle of a kiss. "Ew!" he yelped. "Get her away from me!" He looked up, and saw Dumbledore. "What's going on?"  
  
"She drowned," Dumbledore said, the first thing that came into his mind. "You were giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation, and you saved her life."  
  
Malfoy frowned and went out the door, and Hermione came back to conciousness.   
  
"Where am I?" she asked, before being hit with another Memory Charm. "Ugggghhh..."  
  
"Malfoy just saved you from drowning," Dumbledore informed her.  
  
"Ew," Hermione remarked before walking out the door.  
  
  
Dumbledore modified everyone's memory and made them all think it was still yesterday, so no one ever knew about what happened when Peeves put the Love Potion in Harry's eggnog cookies.  
  
(Except sometimes Harry brought Mrs. Norris treats for no reason, and Ron had a sudden enthusiasm for Transfiguration class, and Malfoy was never quite as nasty to Hermione anymore, and Snape stopped taking so many points of Gryffindor. Coincidence, right? Right?)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of them... *sob* (I do own eggnog cookies though. I've made them, they're very good.)  
  



End file.
